Life

If breathing is hard then life is impossible.

I realize I write about how much I love life here and rarely give you glimpses of this life that make you understand why I love it so much. I guess I can't explain it exactly. I love speaking another language, which I could manage easily enough in San Antonio, though not Arabic to be sure. I love walking to work, saying hello to the people on the street, seeing the beautiful dresses that the women wear, which carry their owners down the street. I love that someone you don't know will go out of your way to give you a ride across town when you really need to get somewhere.

I guess I love it here because I was made to love it here. My Creator wants me here now, and He gives grace for me to thrive in Him and see His beauty all around me. And the truth is, if I didn't love it, He would still give me the grace to thrive in Him, and that would be enough. For sure there are the hard days, the days when you have a problem at work and would know exactly what to do if you were back home, but have no idea what to do here and want to curl up and watch a movie in your air conditioning rather than deal with the problem in one billion degree heat. There are the days which make those rough days at work seem easy. There are days when you just want to see your family and friends and let them see you and your heart, hear your voice and your passion, allow for comfortable silence over a pizza rather than manage so many relationships via letters on a computer screen. I miss comfortable silences with my far away loved ones. Just being able to be with someone and not say anything works so much more out than so many things I might want to say.

I have great roommates. I love them so much. I know for sure that I do not deserve them. They too are gifts from our Father.

There is Cool. She is so positive and giving. She loves to give and care for others. She's beautiful. She's full of grace and shows me how to give it. She's supportive, a great cheerleader.

And there's also LL. I love to bounce things off of her, listen to what she has to say. I don't share a lot of my strong opinions with many people, but she hears most, because she will never be angry if we disagree, and will always listen then respond, rather than simply wait to respond.

In case you didn't catch it, I'm J. Together we make LL Cool J. Catchy, I know.

I have a family here too, besides the roommates. Jane and Charles are like a brother and sister to me. Their recent addition to the family, Sweetie, is my niece. I realized that I wanted to be friends with Jane when I watched her selflessly love people around her. What a great person to learn from. She shows me how to be more like Jesus.

I have great coworkers, who love me when I am for sure a monster, and honestly share their lives with me. One is like a big sister. I'm not sure if she would like that, since I don't know if I would like my age thrown out like that. But she is, and only in the best way. I know I can go to her for advice and wisdom and she has years of experience that go behind her answers to my questions. Another is new, and I'm really thankful for her too, and how she has become someone I work with so much. She brings much wisdom and encouragement. I hope one day she gets to marry John Krasinski for as much as she loves him. If he ever meets her and doesn't realize how awesome she is, then he doesn't deserve her.

Another couple bring great wisdom and insight into life here. They have extraordinarily good perspective. I recently read The Cost of Discipleship and several times realized that what Bonhoeffer was saying was what these people lived and showed me in real life.

How am I going to leave these great people? I can only trust that the grace that brought them into my life will be enough to say goodbye as well. Saying so many goodbyes has been hard the last ten years or so. I'm tired of it, to be honest. One day we'll all be together, we'll all be at the throne, we'll all rejoice. And it will be for forever! One day.

I didn't mean for this post to turn out like this, but I guess it did.

Much love

Death by Spider--Probably Not

If death should come soon,
Know that a spider caused my swoon.

For while I was standing near his home,
He found my leg free to roam.

He cared not of my plans for life,
He saw me only as his strife.

So down I will go six feet underground,
So that worms might defile my burial mound.

But what will that matter to me?
I'll be with God finally free.

And there I will live out eternity,
With no stupid spiders to bother me.

Eternity

It's come to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. It's true. I actually have quite a few drafts saved, I just haven't refined them.

Work is going well. It's been a bit slow now that the high school has finished classes. I'll start teaching summer school next month. I love those kids. The high school here is so much like an American high school. There are the popular kids, the jocks, the princesses, the suck ups, the picked on, the class clowns, the hard workers, the geniuses.

Sometimes I still have a hard time believing what I do. I'm so blessed.

I was overwhelmed at God's faithfulness today. Overwhelmed.

I wish I were faithful all the time. I wish I were more steadfast. I wish I kept God's promises always at the forefront of my mind, never forgetting what lies ahead and always forgetting what lies behind.

I only have four and a half months here. It's hard to think about that. I love this place so much. My heart aches at the thought of leaving it. I know that's a good place to be. I've been in other places when four and a half months seemed like an eternity.

I've been thinking a lot about eternity lately. It's a pretty huge theme in Luke, which I've been going through for a while now. I suppose another thing that I wish is that I would always think about and base my decisions on eternity.

I reread the story of the centurion who sent word for Jesus to save his servant the other day. I gripped me so much. Honestly, every other time I had read it, I wondered why Jesus marveled at his faith. Almost everyone seemed to know Jesus could heal. That's part of the reason why people spent time with him. Why would Jesus think that was so extaordinary? And then it occurred to me that it was not that the centurion believed that Jesus could heal, but that the centurion knew he was entirely unworthy of such a gift. This guy, who the other leaders insisted was indeed worthy, because he built a building, felt the emptiness of his works, and their uselessness to create a credit to his name in the eternal ledger. He was humble, and God exalted him, just as was promised.

The One

I stare at you from across the room.
I know you are watching.
I sit, still, wondering.
Will you be the One?

You've been watching me for sometime.
Debating how to make your move.
Part of me has forgotten you
But I question again, will you be the One?

You want to rest your hand on mine. You try.
But I do not want you.
You ignore my rejections, which come even violently.
And I have to wonder, will you be the One?

I wish you would just go away
I know what you want, but I cannot be that for you.
Nevertheless you stay, and I wonder
Will you be the mosquito that gives me malaria?

What do we do Now?

"Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgement." Romans 13: 1-2

I don't imagine anyone needs my opinion on the recent elections. Everyone seems to be sharing their own completely independent of me. Nevertheless, I will. People seem to be upset about President elect Barak Obama winning the election. I suppose it's fair enough not to like that one's candidate did not win the election. It's also fair to wonder what will happen now that his policies will be our policies. It's even fair not to like him. But the bottom line is, he DID win the election. And the Bible clearly tells us to submit to earthly authority. Like it or not, God has ordained Obama to be our leader (for those of you who are American) and we must submit to him and respect him. And, that's not so much my opinion, that's the Word of God. And, how bad do we look when we squabble and complain in public about this anyway?

Everyday

Man I guess it's been a while since I posted. The month of fasting has come and gone. I had some good food during the evenings to be sure. I have definitely come to love falafel. I suppose I've spent too much time lately thinking about myself and my own struggles. Here is something I wrote during my walk with Him through the valley.

Here I am again
Poster child of unfaithfulness
Letting circumstances take away my heart
I've hidden from you and feared evil instead.

Thank you for the covenant.
Thank you that you bless anyway.
Thank you for not letting go
Even when I struggle from you.

I wish I were a perfect person
But right now just better than this.
When people see a hero and someone special in me
They forget you wouldn't have come if we all weren't wretches.

So help me Jesus.
I want to do great things, forgetting I'm called to greater.
I forget you've called me first to walk humbly with you.
I want to love the world but fight loving my brother.

Whatever it takes,
Bring me back to you.
Restore to me the joy of salvation.
Help me walk humbly with you.


As I think about life's journey, and consider that I am about halfway through my time here, I'm really convinced that it's everyday that matters the most. Whenever we embark or finish something we are filled with emotions, nostalgia, romantic ideals. But, it is when we stay the course when things are mundane, difficult and frustrating that matters. What does it matter if we are sincere at the end or beginning of something if our love isn't genuine and walk isn't faithful during the in between times. Moreover, some say that it's how we react to adversity that defines us. But how we live our lives everyday affects how we react to adversity. We wont be ready for the smallest hill if we aren't daily spending time with Him. We wont love intensely serious enemies if we don't love the man who cheats us over the price of a kilo of tomatoes.

And that's all for now.

Fruit

I have a story that happened a while back here (and by here I mean Africa but not this country, and by a while back I mean about five years ago). But, it's hilarious, and if I had had a blog then, I would have written about it.

I was riding up to the capital city with some national friends in public transport. Along the way, we stopped and a friend bought a bag of fruit that I had never seen before. She politely handed each of us a fig sized piece of fruit. I began to eat mine and became overwhelmed with the disgust of its taste. It was horrifying. I didn't want to be rude and not eat it, and couldn't just throw it out the window because that would seriously be wasting food. So, I was resolved to keep trying to eat the thing even though each tiny bite sent me into internal convulsions. Everyone had finished theirs long before, so finally, I offered mine to the guy in front of me, figuring he would enjoy a second helping. He, however, took one look at it and said, "this is bad" and threw it out the window.